The most clear memory I have of myself when I was young was that of trampling through the woods behind my grandfathers house. In that place I held such a powerful sense of connection both to myself and my surroundings. I was perfectly aware of the vast canopy of massive oak, maple and birch, how each footfall made connection with the ground beneath, subtle sounds of the creatures moving in the distance. I was aware of my breath. I was aware of fear and how I moved in waves against it. I noticed the changes in how the air smelled as I moved from one micro-climate to another. I felt the heartbeat of the earth and observed how life in this place moved in harmony together.
I experienced a deep sense of pain upon waking years and years later to the realization that I had lost so much of that. I could move about the earth and never feel the ground beneath me. I could move about in beautiful landscapes without being moved. I was aware that my breathing had become short and un-nurturing. I no longer felt the excitement in fear, only the crushing weight of it. My truth had become story of who I and other people had told me I was, which worked to define and greatly limit me. I had been defined to the point of being unable to move.
I carried the loss of loved ones and their weight around with me. I thought that to grieve loss was to carry the feelings associated around with me. I believed it to mean love and to build character.
In essence, I awoke to the realization that I had no sense of true self. Without knowing self, I had no sense of self love. Without self love, I had no love outside of myself. I had no way to connect to myself and found that I lived my life a complete victim to my surroundings, reacting rather than acting. I was completely alone, drowned in addiction, guilt, fear, you name it.
I had heard subtle call to change over and over again. This time the voice came so loud that I could no longer hide from it. I soon found myself desperately wanting to move toward change, but having no idea how. I read books, attended workshops, retreats, psycho-therapy. What I found is that they were all great at helping me begin to see, and to make that journey inwards. I was learning, but at the end of the day, I found myself painfully aware of where I was going wrong, but without a true means for change. I had no platform. I was completely ungrounded in the idea of fundamental change. I found that I was not being lifted out of story, but rather allowed to stay in and worse yet, creating some new ones. I struggled to find safety and a true sense of commitment in my work.
I began to realize that creating change for myself was not going to take a weekend course to discover, but rather a continuous movement toward that goal. It required a slow and intimate process built on progress and continually deeper exploration of who I am, marked by defining over and over again who I had become as a result of this exploration and the changes I experienced through each session.
Through Reiki and Energy Work I was offered stillness, the chance to lie quietly on a table with myself, the chance to move inward, and to be held in a way that would allow the subtle to move forward. I began to see the nature of my discomfort, what I was holding on to that was no longer serving me. Some of this I was able to let go of in a very gentle way, some of it asking for a deeper understanding.
The Shamanic Journey granted me the ability see my problems from a different perspective, moving through a space outside my ordinary reality within which the problems of my life were mirrored back to me with a clarity my mind was not willing or able to grasp. I was able to discover a very deep sense of myself and my relationship with the world around me. I realized that my relationship with myself was the key to understanding my relationship to the world outside of me, my world being just a reflection of the relationship I was having with myself. How then would I find a method of creating fundamental change within myself in order to experience happiness in the world outside?
When I began working with David Cope’s Healthy Grieving Process, my intention was to discover a method with which to help my clients move through the loss they were experiencing with the death of a loved one, or the loss of relationships. What I had the chance to see was the pervasiveness of grief in our human experience. The depth of this work was mind blowing. It was a clear cut way to observe the way I used attachment, story and the victim mentality to keep myself in that immovable state. It has provided me a framework, with very grounded processes that not only led me into, but guided me through, and assisted me until the completion of true fundamental change.
While I, like any other human, am still a work in progress, what I have received is myself, without story, free to enjoy life without self-prescribed restriction. I have discovered a true connection with myself and the ability to bring that truth forward into my life. I know that in order to live life in harmony with the outside world, I must find harmony within. I have gained the opportunity to experience life without being a victim to it. I still see struggle and pain in my life, but I now have the tools and support to move through without fear and doubt. This is what I wish to offer to your lives, the experience of self- awareness and healing on a very deep level so that you may develop intimacy within and experience life grounded in truth.
Training and Education:
- 3 Year Shamanic Practitioner Training , Julie Kramer, Boulder 2012-2015
- Shamanic Healing Arts Training, Julie Davis, Nederland, CO 2012-2014
- Reiki Certification Level 1, 2, and 3, Sarah Litjens, Denver 2012-2013
- The Healthy Grieving Process Training, March 2015- ongoing